Out of this world

(no subject)

I feel crazy, tormented, I *need* to break out of this stifling prison of a shell I have built around me my whole life but I am so, so afraid to. I want someone to break me out. All I have is myself. Why am I so damn weak?
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I am not sure if my post is on topic, but the strictures of this community seemed fairly open. If there is another community this post would be more suited to, by all means point me in their direction. (I introduced myself at celibatewhores, as well, which is probably a better match. But if I'm welcome here, I'd be happy to be part.)

I am a 20 year old, male. Recently I've become interested in becoming romantically abstinent. This, for me, means not seeking out partners any more. There are a couple of reasons for this.

One, sex has occupied too big of a place in my life to date. This isn't to say I don't like sex, but that it has become too powerful of a force in my life.
Two, I am not sure that I want a romantic partner. I don't really feel the need for one, and I know that I don't want to need another person. I've needed someone before, and it wasn't good.
Three, I've spent too much time trying to get a partner or playing mind games with them or myself to try and retain them. This takes up my energy and it's ugly.

I decided to not seek partners anymore and this means, for me, discontinuing contact with a couple of people who I spoke to for no other reason than to hopefully sleep with them or seduce them. I don't want them to be offended, and I don't want to play around with their feelings; I want to be able to say it straight up. There's also one person who I have liked a lot in the past who is now interested in me. I don't know what to do about this person; I don't feel like I need anyone, and I'm not the same as I was when we first met. But I don't know if I should just say no to him. It really appeals to me to be romantically abstinent and develop other areas of my person, but it also scares me and I wonder if I can do it. I'm finding it harder than expected.

I am also wondering about the issue of masturbation. I am not sure if I should or shouldn't do it. I don't really like it, but I do it pretty often. I don't feel entirely positive about the experience 90-95% of the time, and I don't like the way it affects me. I don't know if I can get by without masturbation, though. Even when I don't mean to do it, I end up doing it almost by accident.

I'm not planning on being romantically abstinent for ever, neccessarily, just until I get that portion of myself in its proper place (the back burner).

So anyway, that is my sort of intro post. If anyone has any advice or pointers that would be great. Also, if you know of any websites that are not moralizing or Evangelical, please comment with links, and even better if they are from a Toltec or Buddhist perspective. Thank you in advance!
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Out of this world

If frustrated desire was a wound, I'd be weeping blood.

Why is it so much easier to fuck someone than to get to know them? And why can't I just deal with it, instead of feeling so empty I could rip my entrails out and it still wouldn't be enough to show the gaping hole inside of me.

I want to be fucked, and I want to be loved, and why can't I find anyone who can do both at the same time?
  • Current Music
    NIN - Closer

(no subject)

i don't write much so i'm kinda shy but i'll post them anyways.*^^* i mostly make visual art but i like to write poetry when i'm too overwhelmed with desire and passion

do i rid my suffering heart
of such desire?
to become detached at will
would be bliss
i want you now but
you are probably sleeping
why am i so ignorant
that i cannot get rid of this
burning sensation
that is the very cause
of the destruction of
the creative forces of my soul
i cannot let go
why am i so ignorant
that i believe it is love
that i believe it inspires me
but it just comes in small bursts
that do not last
and suffering takes over
for the rest of the time
leading to distraction
no focus, no goal, no future
just want
just craving
but it's not there
this illusion never ends

next one:

all i've known is hopeless love
deception's most potent brew
i drink my cup and look above
drunk at every thought of you

drunk with passion
drunk with denial
drunk with deception
my head is spinning
it's too fast!
i'm falling over
i'm gonna be sick!

take me now
and suck this poison out
god, hold me like a child
sooth my demons and my doubt

(no subject)

Flattened circles of wasted youth 
grow from the strangest of spaces. 
In the depths we search for answers but find only
more questions. 

The offering of blueberry muffins is small and to some-
But to whom do we answer?

We answer only to ourselves and find meaning in meaningless gestures
but find love.

You know fo black and white 
we draw in shades of gray
and things stay

Where you see a mess of sorts
we see only each other and it
begins to take form.
neither is better when we learn from our 
mistakes and pick up-
and start again, crumpling the page and 
smoothing out the wrinkles.

In charcoal this time. 
You ask why when you didn't understand
that the smudges are 
facinating and beautiful to me.

So you go on drawing, 
erasing old lines and creating
something new
but still familiar.

Until finally the portrait is done 
and what we see is
two beautiful people
looking away but smiling,
seperated by fires of different desires
our harnds are dirt y
life isn't always beautiful.
  • katsuo

(no subject)

I want her.

So bad it hurts.

I need to me around her. need to be with her.

She says I'm not worthy. I'm not her "sexual type." Everything else, yes, but not the kind of guy she'd fuck.

I know I'm not the only one out there with this issue, so why am I the only one dealing with so much pain?

Or am I the only one who can't mask it like all the others?
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(no subject)

I hate having crushs.

No, really.
Some girls may like all this 'junk'

All I have to do is see him
and my whole self
is foused only on him.

It was easier when I had class with him
for some reason

My lungs are so numb from holding back
Walk close to the fence
Feel it hit your clothes
Turn and smile nice
Smile say goodnight
Say goodnight in a breath
Simple discourse breaks you clean in half

Sometimes I wish I could tell him
how I feel
Just to see if everything I feel
is made up
I won't

I'm not scared of the

I'm scared of the chance
how much I want it
  • Current Music
    Sugarcult-Saying Goodbye
Out of this world

And if I start a commotion, I run the risk of losing you, and that's worse

All I wanted to do today was kiss you. Damn it, why the hell didn't I? I just couldn't help believing you'd react badly. That you'd ask me what the hell I was doing? That you'd freak out. That you'd just want to be *friends*. That you wouldn't want to be friends if you knew how strongly I feel about you.

Sometimes I wish I could spend more time with you. Other times I forget just how damn miserable I feel after you're gone that sometimes it's just not worth it.
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(no subject)

And when he (you're crazy about him but he's so goddamn hard to place) calls you up in the middle of the night cos he's out and drunk and then says love you instead of bye and then stands you up the next day and doesn't even have his phone on you wonder what the hell is going on?